Sunday, 17 February 2013

This Blog is Filth II

A few months ago, after vaingloriously deciding to follow traffic to this blog a little more closely, I wrote an entry telling of thefrightening and sordid things I learned about what people search for on the internet, and expressed my dismay (or, if you will, secret glee) at the search terms that land people on my blog. Well, this entry is going to do exactly the same thing. Not because I’ve totally run out of fresh ideas (ahem), but because these internet searches have got infinitely worse. Don’t believe me? Read on.

All men are obsessed with ladyboys.
Shortly after I arrived home from a trip to Thailand, I wrote an entry about an unfortunate evening in which I was molested by ladyboys and my desire to continue living, and ability to achieve an erection, was extinguished forever. Naturally this entry became far and away my blog’s most read, and still receives over 150 views every week. This, I have gleaned, is because men are colossal perverts. There are simple searches for ‘ladyboys,’ which I choose to delude myself are simply people innocently investigating the phenomena in order to best prepare themselves for an encounter, like carrying pepper spray or a 12-gauge shotgun. I choose to believe that several searches for ‘Me and my ladyboys’ are from fans of an obscure 90s sit-com I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing. And then there’s the search for ‘advice ass-stretching for my ladyboy.’ Sir, my advice to you is not to stretch your ladyboy’s ass. She’ll only want to return the favour.

Gay men turn to the internet for guidance
I’m no expert on homosexuality, but if watching Eastenders has taught me anything, it’s that coming out as gay can be difficult. Several search terms have revealed to me that, just as when I have an embarrassing rash/boil/seething wound I wish to keep private, closeted gay men turn to the internet for guidance. Some of these are ambiguous, such as a search for ‘Emotionally stunted virgin.’ As an emotionally stunted virgin for many years myself, I understand that it occasionally crosses your mind that you might be a virgin because you’re, in fact, trying to hump the wrong gender of person. I truly hope that my entryabout the time a male classmate molested me in primary school is helpful to the person who searched ‘Boy in class felt up my leg.’ As for the man (for I have no doubt it was a man) who searched ‘Are there showers in Wormwood Scrubs?’, I implore you to research other ways of engaging in sexual congress with men. Your idea is going to result in some serious tissue damage.

People are... I just don’t know anymore
I enjoy my humour close to the bone. I am very rarely one to take offense. But I also consider myself, by and large, a decent human being. So even I, increasingly frequently, feel the urge to break down into tears at some of the searches that land on my blog. At the tamest end is ‘George Lucas Paedophile.’ Now, it’s my belief that George Lucas is little more than an animated sheep’s stomach stuffed with dismembered kittens adept at raping well-loved film franchises, but the accusations should end there. Sliding down the scale there are men who seem bizarrely proud of their simple fetishes, such as those searching ‘wife never wear panties’ (your wife is almost certainly cheating on you) or ‘she play with my urethra.’ Then there are the searches for which I can’t even bring myself to joke about, such as ‘pubescent girl like to show off breasts’ or ‘Small act of naked girl fingering.’ Truly, truly this blog must be filth if these searches are bringing people here.

And as for the person who searched ‘masterbating circlle of men hamster [sic],’ I think you should look up the soggy biscuit game. It’s kinder to animals, and you’re less likely to end up with an infected bite in an unfortunate place.