A few months ago, after vaingloriously deciding to follow
traffic to this blog a little more closely, I wrote an entry telling of thefrightening and sordid things I learned about what people search for on the
internet, and expressed my dismay (or, if you will, secret glee) at the search
terms that land people on my blog. Well, this entry is going to do exactly the
same thing. Not because I’ve totally run out of fresh ideas (ahem), but because
these internet searches have got infinitely worse. Don’t believe me? Read on.
All men are obsessed
with ladyboys.
Shortly after I arrived home from a trip to Thailand, I
wrote an entry about an unfortunate evening in which I was molested by ladyboys
and my desire to continue living, and ability to achieve an erection, was
extinguished forever. Naturally this entry became far and away my blog’s most
read, and still receives over 150 views every week. This, I have gleaned, is
because men are colossal perverts. There are simple searches for ‘ladyboys,’
which I choose to delude myself are simply people innocently investigating the
phenomena in order to best prepare themselves for an encounter, like carrying
pepper spray or a 12-gauge shotgun. I choose to believe that several searches
for ‘Me and my ladyboys’ are from fans of an obscure 90s sit-com I’ve never had
the pleasure of seeing. And then there’s the search for ‘advice ass-stretching
for my ladyboy.’ Sir, my advice to you is not to stretch your ladyboy’s ass.
She’ll only want to return the favour.
Gay men turn to the
internet for guidance
I’m no expert on homosexuality, but if watching Eastenders
has taught me anything, it’s that coming out as gay can be difficult. Several
search terms have revealed to me that, just as when I have an embarrassing
rash/boil/seething wound I wish to keep private, closeted gay men turn to the
internet for guidance. Some of these are ambiguous, such as a search for ‘Emotionally
stunted virgin.’ As an emotionally stunted virgin for many years myself, I understand
that it occasionally crosses your mind that you might be a virgin because you’re,
in fact, trying to hump the wrong gender of person. I truly hope that my entryabout the time a male classmate molested me in primary school is helpful to the
person who searched ‘Boy in class felt up my leg.’ As for the man (for I have
no doubt it was a man) who searched ‘Are there showers in Wormwood Scrubs?’, I
implore you to research other ways of engaging in sexual congress with men.
Your idea is going to result in some serious tissue damage.
People are... I just
don’t know anymore
I enjoy my humour close to the bone. I am very rarely one to
take offense. But I also consider myself, by and large, a decent human being. So
even I, increasingly frequently, feel the urge to break down into tears at some
of the searches that land on my blog. At the tamest end is ‘George Lucas
Paedophile.’ Now, it’s my belief that George Lucas is little more than an animated
sheep’s stomach stuffed with dismembered kittens adept at raping well-loved
film franchises, but the accusations should end there. Sliding down the scale
there are men who seem bizarrely proud of their simple fetishes, such as those
searching ‘wife never wear panties’ (your wife is almost certainly cheating on
you) or ‘she play with my urethra.’ Then there are the searches for which I can’t
even bring myself to joke about, such as ‘pubescent girl like to show off
breasts’ or ‘Small act of naked girl fingering.’ Truly, truly this blog must be filth if these searches are bringing people
here.
And as for the person who searched ‘masterbating circlle of
men hamster [sic],’ I think you should look up the soggy biscuit game. It’s
kinder to animals, and you’re less likely to end up with an infected bite in an
unfortunate place.
