I’m not a very good human being. By that, I don’t mean that
I’m a bad person. In fact, I am morally rather middle-ground. I will
contentedly drown a kitten, but I won’t film it on my phone. Rather, I have
never been able to master the quotidian social interactions that collectively
make us well-adjusted human beings. Things like:
1 Encountering Someone You Know in the Street
With the prevalence of social media, this can be a problem
for anyone with a tendency to add on Facebook anyone they’ve ever briefly met
at a party/bought a car from/ejaculated into. Indeed, it’s a problem that can
sometimes be solved simply by crossing the road or vaulting into a front
garden. The difficulty arises when through a quirk of geography a fleeting
encounter becomes inevitable. My face begins a complex launch sequence of
approximated appropriate shapes. First, I must pretend not to see them until
the very last second to avoid staring intensely at their approach as if I plan
to hit them with a thunderous clothesline.
"GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN."
At the moment of contact, my repertoire consists of an
erratic nod as if I’m suffering from dropsy, a taut smile indicative of a
wandering butt-plug, and a torrent of sweat that steams from my armpits like alfresco
urine on a cold winter’s day. Combined, it’s possible that I suffer a small
stroke upon every encounter.
2 Kisses as Greetings
What I formerly believed to be the exclusive jurisdiction of
chick-flicks and wankers, this touchy-feely greeting has sporadically, yet
firmly, muscled its way into my life. It raises so many questions: single or
double kiss? Which side should I start on? Will the recipient smell the Chilli
Heatwave Doritos I ate for lunch?
Are there people out there who think me rude for neglecting
to press my quivering lips against their flesh and call them darling? For all I
know I should be kissing my kitchen fitter, smooching the self-checkout
supervisor, and puckering up for my... Proctologist? (Excessive alliteration is
another social barrier I don’t understand). Of course, if I misjudge kissing
propriety I risk the screaming disdain of women. Which leads me to...
3 Sex
I’ll keep this brief, due to its personal nature and the
fact that I’ve had barely any sex to complain about (I’ll leave that up to my
unfortunate partners). My record speaks for itself. The first girl I ever
kissed proceeded to throw a pint glass at my head. All of the women who have
ever been unfortunate enough to have me love them promptly hooked up with my
best friend of the time. My last few dates have ended with frosty silence/drug
abuse/accusations of homosexuality. Sex remains an unfathomable enigma to me,
the machinations of which instil a terror great enough for me to exile myself
to a life of loneliness, regret, and masturbation to increasingly bizarre forms
of pornography.
4 Not Talking About How Much I Hate Myself
A slew of internet searches and randomly encountered dating
profiles have told me that I need to have confidence. This flies in the face of
my usual technique when I run out of things to say: draw the conversation
toward some negative aspect of my person.
“Sorry, when I’m nervous I sweat like a panful of
well-prepared asparagus.”
“Oh man, I’m really bad at self-deprecating metaphors.”
“Have you noticed this weird rash on my face?”
“I think I have Weil’s disease.”
This isn’t limited to everyday conversations. I do it on
dates. I do it in job interviews. If the opportunity arose, I’d probably do it
during sex. My personality is constructed entirely on a foundation of
self-hatred. As to why I can’t help but spew it at others, perhaps I’m just
trying to be funny. Perhaps I want to push people away. Or perhaps I’m hoping
that, one day, I’ll be able to believe the people who tell me I’m not as bad as
all that.
