Monday, 5 September 2011

Dave's Big Blog of Dating

As you will all have gathered by now, I am quite the exuberant ladies man. A swarthy lothario, if you will. So successful am I that I have compiled a short list of things not to do whilst engaged in a date. These are absolutely NOT based on personal experience, and I have absolutely NOT done every single bloody one of them at some point in my limp dating history.

- Karaoke is not a good first date destination. Girls will not be impressed by your air guitar acrobatics nor your ability to hold the long falsetto at the finale of Sweet Child O’ Mine like a castrated Gregorian monk with crayfish clamped on his nipples. Addendum: Do not proceed to propose a duet.

- If a restaurant offers free dessert to apologise for poor service, play it cool. Perhaps suggest sharing one between the two of you. Do not order the two biggest desserts on the menu, and spend the interim before its arrival finding variations on the sentiment, ‘Free dessert! Free! Free dessert! Dessert for FREE!’ Further, do not insist on finishing hers once your own has long since been consumed.

- Do not perform your Samuel L. Jackson impression. It’s not funny and it’s vaguely racist.

- When the girl you’re on a date with asks you to help pick the outfit she should wear to another date with a different guy, don’t actually help her choose a nice ensemble. Choose something incredibly ugly to put off your rival. Alternatively, punch the girl in the face.

- Do not tell your date about your personal tradition of Bread Tuesday. Learn from this example. Years later, do not tell your date that you made a bet with yourself to never use a knife to cut food for the entire three years of university. Especially when that isn’t even remotely true. It is not a quirky conversational gambit to break an awkward silence. It is a fucking stupid thing to say.

And now to break the wafer-thin pretence of this blog with some advice on how not to behave when rejected after a date.

- The least convincing excuse I ever received for the cancellation of a second date was that a printer she really wanted was on sale for one day only in her home town and she just had to make the journey lest this incredible offer pass her by. Do not believe this excuse and offer to meet her at the train station to carry said printer home for her. You can not possibly look more pathetic.

- Do not chain-eat seven packets of biscuits and spend the night vomiting a variety pack smoothie.

- It isn’t romantic to scour the internet for the girl’s address and send her a big packet of the sweets she vaguely mentioned she liked. It’s creepy. You will look as if you’re trying to groom her future children for a franchise reboot of failed dates.

- On the rare occasion that a partnership goes several dates deep, my common experience is that inevitably, the girl loses interest after a short time. This is frequently my own fault (see everything written above), particularly coupled with a crippling terror and incompetence in putting on the sexy moves. However, the girl often doesn’t quite have the heart to tell me this, because hey, maybe they, like, see me as more of a friend? *insert smiley emoticon to cap off rejection e-mail* Recognise the signs: tailing off of previously frequent communication, particularly textual messages. Poorly realised excuses (see point 1 of this section). Being informed via go-between that she got off with this totally hot guy last night and it was totally the sexiest moment of her life. Get the message. Do not harangue her with needling text messages, online messages, pathetic status updates, and lovelorn notes through doors. Like, totally try and maintain a shred of dignity.

- Do not get drunk, black out, and wake up many hours later on the floor of a strange house with a black eye and a phone outbox full of increasingly incomprehensible text messages informing the girl that you ‘rfalmy luve hdr’ and that ‘thdyve kjkef me oot nd i bjn sibk maycd wd cam takk?’ Such mellifluous verbiage will not win her heart nor explain to the person who’s house you’re in who the hell you are.

(Prizes for whoever can decipher those text messages – all week at Crazy Dave’s!)

- Lastly, if you ever want to break this streak of disaster, do not write an overlong, self-pitying blog post
about how pathetic... bugger.

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