Wednesday 24 October 2012

The Introverted Extrovert


In primary school, I considered myself the class clown. I often tried to convince my teacher that I was gay, and go-go danced on a chair at the front of the room to cheer everyone up at the end of our final year. Before any of us knew what it was, I’d beckon my friends over to marvel at my erections underneath the table (perhaps giving a little too much credence to my assertions of homosexuality). I always thought that is how I would grow up; outgoing, extroverted, the sort of idiotic loudmouth that most people hate but it doesn’t matter because you’re too loud to notice. 

This confidence lasted for much of secondary school, even after my weight ballooned and I learned that erections in school should really be kept to one’s self. My best friend’s earliest memory of me is with my tie fashioned into a bandanna, headbanging topless on a bench in the gym changing room. Before I moved to university my sister said to me: “You’re the kind of person everyone wants to be friends with.”

I was basically the Fonze.

So it’s something of a shock when I look in the mirror today and see my confidence eroded to nothing. I have a dog-eared back catalogue of excuses for this. In fact, this blog exists as narcissistic testament to exactly that. But the reasons don’t really matter. What matters now is that the only strong emotion I can summon is a fierce self-loathing.

Whereas in childhood I tackled life with enthusiasm, today I feel merely indifferent. If I have something fun coming up, I don’t feel excitement. If I have something important coming up, I don’t feel nervous. The best I can manage is an antagonistic shrug.

There's no way I can write this without sounding like an angsty teenager.

At university I would fall head over heels in love after a few hours in a girl’s company; now I haven’t had even the slightest crush in years. When I have been with a girl, there’s the vague awareness that I should be swollen with testosterone, ignoring everything she says in favour of calculating when best to remove her bra. I don’t feel passion or desire. When this means they get bored of me, I don’t feel upset like I used to. Little by little, my edges have been smoothed down, and now I’m entirely flat.

There are a number of things I could try to rectify this. I could go out on what I believe, in the industry, is called ‘the lash’ in an attempt to fornicate drunkenly and hastily with women in an environment where it’s too loud for them to realise how dull I am until it’s too late. I could take up some kind of painfully affected hipster hobby, like wearing a scarf in August, listening to 1940s gospel music on London Fields, or making collages of Polaroids depicting used condoms discarded in the high street gutter on Saturday morning. I could develop a crack habit.  

By all accounts these should make me a more interesting person, an extrovert rippling with defiant confidence, the kind of person you worry about making a scene at your wedding.

Remember that time I made you look at my erection?

It’s an age-old question: what would the childhood you say to the adult you? Mine wouldn’t say a word. There’d be a short awkward silence before he moved off to talk to someone more interesting. And all I would do about it is shrug.

5 comments:

  1. The way you describe yourself sounds more depressed than introverted, to me.
    Introverts just find that being with people tires them out, whereas extroverts gain energy from it. So introverts need time to themselves, but it doesn't mean that we don't feel emotions just as strongly as extroverts, or that we have no interest in people, or that other people have no interest in us. And it doesn't make us unhappy. It's just that social situations are like a work-out - it's not unpleasant, but you couldn't keep it up all day.

    To me, you don't sound introverted at all. It sounds like you'd love to be the life of the party. If you were an introvert, the idea of being the centre of attention, especially of making a scene, would fill you with dread.

    I mentioned depression, but don't go diagnosing yourself on my word; I don't know nearly enough about it. But what I'm trying to say is that feeling no emotions besides self-loathing isn't normal. It's not just a personality type, it's not just lack of confidence, and it sounds like it's making you miserable, so you need to do something about it. I think you should see a professional about this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Most people feel the same way,only a few have the guts to express it. Although life in general is full of ups and downs,what matters is how you perceive it. Try to laugh it off its much better than the awkward silence..

    http://whatiluvv.blogspot.in/
    http://anindianwriter.blogspot.in/

    ReplyDelete
  3. What worked for me (as far as feeling alive again) was when I really got fed up, i sold everything I owned and moved to another country with almost no money. Lots of time to think, learn, decide what i wanted and who I wanted to be. Then when I returned a year later, I met someone and we've been traveling the county in a travel trailer for 3 years now. Basically, a major change can really jumpstart you and hallenging yourself to handle major environmental and personal changes can be a good start towards spending your life happier. Nerdsontheroad.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. What worked for me (as far as feeling alive again) was when I really got fed up, i sold everything I owned and moved to another country with almost no money. Lots of time to think, learn, decide what i wanted and who I wanted to be. Then when I returned a year later, I met someone and we've been traveling the county in a travel trailer for 3 years now. Basically, a major change can really jumpstart you and hallenging yourself to handle major environmental and personal changes can be a good start towards spending your life happier. Nerdsontheroad.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, it is an option I've genuinely considered. I'm going to give things a go here first, and if it doesn't work out within a couple of years I'll think about moving abroad and trying elsewhere.

      Delete